I am very sad and down, these few months are very terrible and unlucky for me. Relationship fails, submission was rejected for publication, money was conned, and new attempt fails. I feel that I am a failure of life. I start to appreciate one thing, if you are living fine, you are already one of the luckiest people in the world.

I feel the cold, and the loneliness. May be I should consider to go back. 9 years since I leave home. Recently, every failure comes with an injury, and the worst comes with a scar. The spot of the scar is still very weak, same as the spot in my heart. I can't decide to stay, or to leave. Physical pain and mental pain, I feel both, the supporting pillar in my heart, collapse one after another, now only two left in the end. A good structure would usually be supported by at least 3 pillars, but there are only two now, yet one of them is looking fragile. I will see what can I do. May be I would be living happily if I chose not to take up the scholarship, chose not to fight to be the top tier group of the society. I want a simple but loving life, but I am now fighting for career and money. Ironic.

Diary

Do you know? I am learning to move on now. I am trying to find my own life, it is 115 days since the incident. I thought I should be able to fully let it go. Today, I opened my ipad and browsed through my photo. I realized that my life is full of doraemon, lego, thesis, and you, everything of you. Every photo we took together, you are very cute and charming with your big smile. No denying, I really love your smile a lot. Every photo with you, I am having a genuine smile, from deep inside my heart, and I believe the same from you. I am very afraid to re-activate my facebook, as I know I would check out how's your life going lately the first moment I scroll the facebook. I promised myself not to re-activate my account until I am fully recovered, I am trying my best not to contact you and not to give you trouble anymore. But

妳是大傻瓜，我也是個笨蛋，我們兩個都是大笨蛋，大傻瓜

分開四個月了，以為放下了，但還是放不下，看著辦吧